Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Is a weed just an out of favour flower?

Many years ago, in the shared garden of a tenement house, there laboured three keen gardeners. My Grandmother, my Dad and my Mum.

My Grandmother had a room on the third floor and we lived in the basement. In between, the tenants had rights to half the garden, which was exercised by coming downstairs and through our kitchen, whenever they felt like it.

The garden was fiercely defined by big stones, wire mesh and shrubs. We grew a harvest of flowers plus strawberries, giant greengages and soft, sweet loganberries. They grew half hearted flowers and weeds.

When I was about twelve it was judged that I could have a small patch of my own, about six feet by three.  It was right next to the conker tree that was the envy of my friends, being variously the mast of a pirate ship, a plane bumping through the skies, a castle turret, a lighthouse and a place where I could read in peace as no one else could climb as high in the swaying branches.  It also threw my patch into complete shadow all day.

Nevertheless, some hardy plants had survived and my parents encouraged me to consider the possibilities from a large book of thousands of unpronounceable Latin names.

After about a month of inactivity it became obvious that, ‘Still thinking about it’, was being received with a degree of non-comprehension, bordering on frustration that such a golden opportunity to revive the fecundity of my little patch should be missed as the growing season progressed.

I made my decision, and returned from school, rolled up my metaphorical and real sleeves and set to with spade, fork and rake.  There were some veiled comments about not exchanging my not so metaphorical school trousers, but on the whole an appreciation of the hard work that had turned an unloved patch into an almost flat, and empty, rectangle of muddy soil.  Many questions were rebuffed and theories dismissed. A breathing space had been secured.

Several weeks passed, and the weeds began to poke through the newly turned soil. Questions hovered on parental lips, unspoken yet hanging like un-pricked speech bubbles.  Some careful digging and mound rebuilding in the corner led to intense speculation. A rockery, a herb garden perhaps. But why had the weeds been left?

The following Saturday was fine. Dad was working, Mum was shopping, Nan was snoozing.  After an hour of intense work on the garden it was finished.

The metal battlements of the castle were dug in around the mound, with an inner keep, moat, drawbridge, cannon and knights, (history followed the availability of toys).  On the plains below were tee-pee’s, cowboys, Indians, horses and assorted weaponry. To the right lay the airport with runways of dried mud, carefully smoothed with the back of a comb. In front were the roads, being flattened by a Dinky steam roller, and flowing with vehicles of many vintages and sizes.

All this life, separated, protected, made real by the gorgeous greenery of trees, hedges and fields thanks to the generosity of the weeds.



Saturday, 10 June 2017

Citronella candles - do they work?




I'll declare an interest to start. They don't work as well as mosquito coils, that's those compressed wood, smouldering green swirls that give off a thick smoke designed to envelope the lucky person and deter any kami kazi biting insects. I have seen these work against the mozzies of Southern France and the midges of Scotland, so a better test you could not find.

Unfortunately, the side effects are dire, creating coughing fits and watering eyes in all but the hardiest forty-a-day smoker. In most instances this leads to all others evacuating the area covered, to a clean air zone, only to find clouds of frustrated insects have massed, waiting for their nightly feast of human blood.

Like all legislation, the anti smoking laws had unintended consequences. The massive reduction in the smoking population has left travellers vulnerable to the attack of millions of 1cm whistling doodle bugs. I have yet to read of any experiments with electric cigarettes that suggests their great plumes of water vapour have the same deterrent effect that tobacco had on the midge. And there lay the original dilemma; smoke a lot and ruin your lungs, but be midge free, or rely on choking mosquito coils?

Which is where citronella candles were supposed to be the big new saviour for human kind. Now you see them in every guise, thick candles, thin candles, candles in cups, candles in tins, candles to hang up and candles in the top of tall bamboo poles to stick in the ground.

Currently we have a 'Two Ronnies' arrangement, (see picture and try to keep up), on a campsite in South West France. The verdict?

Inconclusive. There are no mosquitos over the table but one just whined past my ear.

Feel free to add your experiences.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

Is it worth having a home phone anymore?

Image result for picture sitting on fence
Am I being old fashioned in having both a landline phone and a mobile?

A number of friends are quite content with just a mobile and I can see the attraction each month, as my phone usage is a fraction of the allowance on each phone. There is no carry over, so I am paying afresh each month for two services that I could otherwise take six months to exhaust.

But, my home phone is linked to my internet line so I need that to use a computer with a decent sized screen and keyboard, not the tiny picture and finger torturing pop up of a mobile. I read that you can now get internet only deals without a monthly line rental. True, but they cost more than the dual deal in most cases. How so? Don't ask me. I assume the companies want to keep their turnover up so build the line rental into the deal rather than showing it separately.

Not that the decision is going to be only down to money. The home phone is a guaranteed signal quality which is more suitable for the hard of hearing and can have bigger buttons for the visually impaired. There are the more difficult to quantify advantages of that big, clunky handset, with it's tactile handling nestling on the erotic zones around the ear. And those big finger poke-able buttons that click satisfyingly like staccato music notes.

The mobile has its ergonomic, slithery sleek styling, of course, making it the cigarette substitute of hand plaything in public. Which is part of it's addictive attraction, to be constantly displayed, thumbed into action and watched with feigned concentration as though a friends breakfast or their cat's antics could be life changing events. In competition, the home phone becomes a mundane artifact, to be used only when necessary, the pedestrian great aunt to the world travelling youngster.

 An essential safety tool when the torch is deployed or a photo is needed. A useless piece of plastic when the battery expires.

So, there you have it. Another dilemma needing you opinion. Do I go all mobile or stick with the two phone option?