Thinking it through

This week's local paper contains a gem of a letter. An ardent Brexit fan had taken exception to the President of the European Union asserting that English was becoming less important in the EU, and delivering his speech in French.

The outrage of the correspondent would have been enough for most people,but he then went on to bypass reality by suggesting that a poor deal for the UK should lead to the UK imposing a ban on all Europeans speaking English.

Hold on. Let's try that again. Unless we get a good deal from Europe when we leave, the U.K. should ban the total population of the 27 EU countries from speaking English.

So, it could go something like this?

A sunlit cafe on the Boulevard St Michel, Paris. Two very obvious British tourists sit looking glumly at their cooling cups, wondering how the cups of tea they wanted had morphed into this glass of colourless liquid with a piece of lemon floating in it.

Each clutched a mobile phone, with their fingers hovering over the 'record' button.

"Why didn't they send me to Spain? "asked the lanky one. "I've been there. When I ask for a cup of tea I get a cup of tea, they understand English."

"I know, Stan. It's OK for them to understand, but it's our job to stop them speaking it." The rotund policeman from Suffolk was not at home in any city and Paris terrified him.

Meanwhile, across Europe similar scenes were being played out by some 15,000 UK police officers. Crime soared in the UK, whilst the Daily Mail demanded that EU nationals arriving in the UK be tested on their fluency in their native language before being allowed in.

"Et vous, le weekend?"

"Did you hear that, Oliver? 'Weekend' she said, as clear as day. That good looking blond, over there." He nodded his head towards a table near the pavement.

The woman's companion was replying, the word 'weekend' clearly heard by the appalled policemen.

"Do you think it's enough for us to take action, Stan?"

"Not sure, better phone Inspector Barrage for advice."

As Stan felt for his security phone he notice two blue dots on his jacket. He attempted to brush them off, but they appeared on the back of his hand.

"Attention gentlemen. This is the Police. Put your hands on the table. Slowly."

As they obeyed, four very large black-uniformed men with balaclavas and huge guns appeared, handcuffed them and led them away.

"You can't do this, we're English Language Protection Officers."

The man looked up from his desk. "I know. We have been listening to you since the patron at the cafe told us about you acting suspiciously. Apart from the fact that your UK Acts of Parliament have no legality in the EU, your choice, remember? Let me ask you this.  If my officers had asked you in French to put your hands on the table, would you have understood and obeyed?  No? Well then, my officers would have shot you. Good job some of us speak English, huh?"

In the next year over 13,000 UK police officers were deported from EU countries for extremism. The other two thousand were either in jail or had claimed asylum.

This has been false news, (Ooops, almost said Fox News), based on a real event.