Thursday, 7 December 2017

Changes


Prize winner in the Nancy Meggs' Writing Competition 2017

Changes

Recently I read a letter in a magazine where the writer was complaining about poor grammar in newspaper articles.  What caught my attention was her assertion that it was the fault of young reporters, ‘because all older people can touch type’.

Which set me thinking.  It was obviously nonsense, but how much nonsense?

Taking her ‘young people’ as being in their twenties and ‘older people’ in their seventies, I set about exploring what office life was like in the 1960’s, when the ‘older people’ were young.

Now I am a different world.  A world where the mothers of these ‘old people’ had been important workers in the war effort, only to be displaced back to being housewives when the men returned and wanted work. Most never had any paid work again, other than looking after other people’s houses or children.  In fact, the gender balance of the national workforce had changed little since the early years of the twentieth century, men expected jobs, women stayed at home or did less skilled jobs.  Such as typing.  Men simply did not type, so that was half the population discounted.

The early typewriters were advertised as having ‘keys made for dainty fingers’, and illustrated with groups of attractive young women happily typing. But, in those days it was regarded as unseemly for men to be working near women, ‘for fear of damage to their morals’, the men’s apparently. So typing pools had different entrances to buildings, different places and times for eating, and different times to start and finished work.

Bizarrely, the Post Office was among organisations that wouldn’t allow typists out of the building at lunchtime, right up until 1911. But it came as a surprise that, until the nineteen sixties, the Bank of England would not employ married women.  Any female employee getting married was immediately dismissed.

Figures for nineteen sixty-one show the UK population as almost fifty-three million, of which under two million women worked in offices.  Most of those would not have been typists; there were plenty of other jobs the men thought of as below their dignity. That could mean that the answer about how many touch typists there were, when the ‘old people’ were young, could be about 1.5% of the population.

But in the last fifty years this has changed dramatically, and this is how it happened.
In the sixties, the typing pool was a stepping stone for the ambitious girl who went to night school to learn shorthand, and landed that prized job of Secretary to a senior manager. The pinnacle of female success in the male-dominated office would be a PA, Personal Assistant to a director. The glass ceiling was about ankle level at this time.

Then came computers, those big mainframe grey boxes taking up whole air-conditioned rooms, with spools of tape winding first this way, then that. Fascinating flashing lights persuaded the male ego to accept the necessity of having to master a keyboard to control the beast. Surely, the job couldn’t be done by a woman? In fact, despite efforts of many pressure groups, it remained the case that most mainframe programmers and operators learned to type, and so protected a male domain throughout this period.

Meanwhile, the churning out of repetitive letters by individuals in the ubiquitous typing pool was under threat from the horrors that were Gestetner or Roneo stencils.

For the enlightenment of younger readers, these two machines could turn out ten to twenty identical copies of a document, just like a photocopier, except for the original. Instead of a word-processed A4 sheet, a much longer multi-part set of pages had to be reeled into the typewriter and typed on a ‘cutting' control which meant, instead of a neat letter on paper, the letter image cut through the first layer. Once loaded on the hand-cranked machine, the ink would be squeezed through this master to print the document.  The problem lay in making a spelling mistake. The whole paper set had to be wound slowly out of the typewriter until the offending letter or word appeared. It then had to be carefully dabbed with a nail polish brush dipped in a pink liquid that filled the cut image. When it dried the set had to be delicately wound back to the exact place where a correct letter could be overtyped. Even a good typist could end up with a sheet looking like it had smallpox.

Back to the plot.

The invention of electric typewriters, including the curse of the ‘golf-ball' and the ‘daisywheel', didn't make life any easier for typists. Managers took great delight in dictating a change of font every few paragraphs just to show off. Even basic word processors failed to change the routine that the male dictated, the female typed.

The real revolution came in 1981 with the invention of the IBM personal computer. A gadget of such wondrous mystery that every manager had to have one on their desk. A virility symbol and sign of prestige in the company hierarchy replacing their tooled leather desk diary. Of course, they couldn’t use them, so they did what they did best, they delegated. Secretaries were sent on courses to learn about clever word processing, databases and spreadsheets. Their bosses could then have pristine copies of their precious words ready for distribution in minutes, and the spreadsheet could generate coloured charts, things of beauty and awe at meetings.

Suddenly, the typing pool was no more. A computer could turn out any number of letters, correctly addressed and containing individual details.

Suddenly, the role of secretaries was questioned, except at top management level, why couldn’t managers type their own memos, reports, learn to do spreadsheets?

By 2017, typing, once thought of as the province of the lowest grade of office worker, and representing about 1.5% of the population in 1961, has become a skill used by around 80% of the population in their daily work.


That is some change.


Her finger slipped - the World changed

Her finger slipped – the World changed.


Darcie looked at the screen and saw, to her horror, that it was saying that she was at 15 Loader Road now. This could not be happening. It must not be happening, no one must have any idea that she had visited 15 Loader Road.

Too late she looked at the post appearing on her Facebook page with its innocuous message to friends – but showing it was sent from Callum’s house! Somehow she had hit the location button for where she was yesterday.  Many of her friends would know the address and wonder what she was doing there.   Her husband would do more than wonder!

Panic, that had started in her head, was spreading through her lungs making it difficult to breathe, through her fingers which refused to respond to the command to delete the post, to her legs that refused her any movement. The more she remained immobile the longer the post was available for all to see.

A ‘Like’ and a message, ‘Hi Dee, is it your day off? I thought it was yesterday, is Cal OK?  He seemed a bit down when I saw him last week, talking about going back to Canada.

‘Oh shit!’

It was already too late to delete, that would make it worse, there would be questions about why she tried to get rid of it. She grabbed the “Pay As You Go” mobile from the discrete pocket in her jacket, it only had one number in the contacts. There was no reply.  She redialled and let it ring three times before cancelling.  After about thirty seconds her phone rang.

‘Yes?’

‘Sorry Cal, I’ve made a mistake which means we have to bring forward our plans to leave. We have to go today, I’ll organise the flights, get to Heathrow ASAP.  I’ll contact you there. Understand?’

‘OK, on my way.’

Darcie looked round. She would be sad to leave, she was fond of her husband, it wasn’t his fault. She’d made sure there weren’t any children, once she’d met Cal she knew that leaving was inevitable, she couldn’t trust herself to leave kids as well.

She would leave a note for her husband explaining that she was travelling to see a sick friend in Yorkshire so might be out of touch for a while on the train.  That would give them a few more hours before anyone started asking questions.

Packing was easy, just a cabin bag with a few underclothes and a lot of make up. She had agonised about her ring, couldn’t leave it where he might find it, but he deserved to know it was all over.  She had bought a small padded envelope especially for this eventuality, already addressed and second class stamped, she would drop it in the box at the end of the road.

She left the car keys where he would expect them to be and dropped the house keys in a thick hedge a few streets away, walking to the underground station rather than taking a traceable taxi.


By the time they met at the boarding gate neither was recognisable from the life they had led for so many years. They didn’t acknowledge one another or sit together. Their phone SIM’s had been broken and discarded in separate bins to the phones. Their passports had different names, their flight destination was Venice, their ultimate destination was Moscow.

Thursday, 2 November 2017

It's FREE

Not much is free in this world, as in 'no strings attached', but this one really is.  Every so often Amazon gives authors the chance to go to a wider audience by giving their book away free as a download for a few days.

I have now taken advantage of this from today until Monday 6th November, which means that you, dear reader, and any of your enlightened friends, can download all 68,000 words absolutely FREE on to your Kindle or Kindle app.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dots-Legacy-Park-Stories-Colin-ebook/dp/B01M2B224E/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1509613487&sr=8-1&keywords=dots+legacy

Enjoy.
Colin

Friday, 27 October 2017



Welcome to 2016!

Well, it is for our two hero’s of The Park Stories.  ‘Beyond the Park gates’ is the second book to celebrate the struggles of Rhys and Anne, as life throws brickbats and prizes wrapped up in the diverse, not to say downright strange, people who surround them.

Just published on Amazon, you can be amongst the first to find out what happened after the cliff-hanger that I left you with in ‘Dot’s Legacy’.

Not read ‘Dot’s Legacy’?  You can, FOR FREE,  From Thursday 2nd November to Monday 9th you can go to the Amazon website and download ‘Dot’s Legacy’ absolutely FREE.  (All the reviews are 5 Star, you won’t be disappointed). Because I know that afterwards you will want to read Beyond the Park Gates’.

Competition time
The first person to read ‘Beyond the Park Gates’ and write a review on Amazon, wins signed copies of both books. (Who knows what they might be worth should Rhys and Anne become the next Harry and Hermione?)

So please, share this news with your friends and relatives, at the very least they won’t blame you for giving them a FREE book.

Colin




Tuesday, 26 September 2017

It's all a bit negative



These two pictures were taken from the same spot, minutes apart. The first would be deleted, the second cropped to produce a powerful image.


Thinking some more about lost skills, (see : Me and brass balls), I am in two minds about photography.
Watching a carnival recently, it was like a Mexican Wave, the hundreds of iPads sequencing a 'picture opportunity' as it passed.
They each, no doubt, took a well exposed, wide angle picture of the procession and provided memories for years to come. Dozens of 'snaps' that are as good as most cameras would produce on automatic.

Then there are the billions of mobile phone 'selfies' produced around the world each week.
I was here
I ate this
I drank this
I did this
I look like this
And this
And this
And this
Facebook fodder for friends and family, pictures that would not have been taken with a camera.

So what is my problem with all these photos?

Am I just being a camera snob who had to learn about Exposure, Stops, Speed, Differential focus, Rule of thirds, Composition, Lighting?
Did Cartier Bresson's 'decisive moment' mean every moment from every angle was equally valid?
Or are we building the best archive that any future historians could wish for?
Or could it all be wiped when cloud computing has to be de-cluttered sometime in the future?
The vast technical advances in digital photography and manipulation means most photos, whether taken by phones or cameras, will produce an acceptable image.

I suppose my real question is, does an 'acceptable image' become the end in itself, or does the vast proliferation of good quality cameras and phones lead to more people becoming dissatisfied with 'acceptable images' and strive to make pictures?

Colin Payn
12/9/2017

Monday, 14 August 2017

Me and brass balls

Me and Brass Balls


Me, I love seeing how things work. Give me a bit of unknown machinery with cogs and drive shafts, pistons or springs, pivots or chains and I’m mesmerised.

Some people like crosswords or Sudoku, which is OK as brain fodder, but with no tactile experience.  You need to feel the delicate balance of a lever or the tension of a spring; in addition to the brain workout of wondering what it is for or how does it work.

I remember learning to use a centre lathe and being set the task of producing a perfectly spherical ball from a round bar of brass – to within 5 thousands of an inch of design size. What the instructor didn’t mention was that brass heats up quickly when machined.  However perfectly round the first couple of attempts, they were always too small when the time came for inspection.

Why?  Because measuring them with a micrometer whilst in the lathe, (not turning, of course) was a waste of time until the metal cooled down.  Spot on in the chuck could be 2 thou. smaller by the time the ball had stood waiting for that crafty inspection.

Working with capstan lathes was all about changing the gearing cogs to fit the speed of the material being worked on.  But I don’t expect anyone in manufacturing companies have to do this anymore.  No doubt the computer can out-perform my best results to produce a brass ball exact to .0000001 of an inch, when cold, time after time.

The nobility of engineers were the pattern makers, those master craftsmen who could produce anything from scratch, to a zero tolerance off the plan, using eye and hand as much as the finest measuring tools. I expect most of them are long gone with the arrival of Computer Aided Design and 3D printing.

My worry is that all these skills are being lost. But does it matter? After all we lost the skills of tens of thousands of blacksmiths when horses gave way to the internal combustion engine and mass produced fire pokers and tongs. Why should I be concerned when what replaces these skilled craftsmen are quicker, more accurate and cheaper production methods?

Perhaps it is also the unforeseen consequential loss of the art of mending things, and with it the great feeling of personal satisfaction that something that was useless is now restored to full working order at little or no cost. All thanks to the combination of experience, skill and the right tools.

Give me an industrial museum with great clunky bits of metal turning, moving or reciprocating. The air laced with the smell of hot oil, and the noise of motors whirring and banging, and I’ll be young again, with a 3/16ths Whitworth, chrome molybdenum spanner and a set of feeler gauges sticking out of my back pocket, and that adolescence confidence that I can fix anything.


What do you think?



Thursday, 27 July 2017

Birdseed to bombs

Birdseed to bombs – are they connected?







 Sitting watching the birds in the garden I was struck by the seeming inefficiency of the blue tits feeding methods. Hop about in the hedge a few times, fly to the feeder, one seed and back to the hedge. They all appeared to be programmed with the similar actions, from trees to bird table or fat balls. Surely all that hopping about and flight must use up most of the energy from that one seed? Far better to stop for a few more grains, have a proper snack, don’t they get indigestion?

Of course they do it for a very good reason, safety. For theirs is a far more precarious existence than ours. Death is but a shadow away, a rush of air, the razor sharp talons reaching out to enclose their little feathered bodies, the cruel curved beak the last thing they feel.

 But, then I got to thinking, is our life so different? We can be snatched from existence at any time, a car accident, plane crash, heart defect, stress, cancer, alcohol. And some of these are because we didn’t heed the warning and stayed too long at the table, didn’t do enough exercise.

Then there are whole nations that veer the opposite way, spending such a great deal on defence that they suck the pool dry of scientists who could have made discoveries to benefit the lot of humans and creatures across the world.


These are important thoughts that need to be widely known, as many older, experienced people around the world are probably thinking in their individual cocoons. But just as they feel able to put their revelations on paper, they fall asleep in the afternoon sun, or they are needed for the shopping trip, or to pick up the grandchildren. The moment has gone, the wisdom that they could have imparted to the next generation is lost in the rush of life.

Is this the natural progression, the wisdom of one generation failing to be passed on to the next? Does it mean that each new set of thinkers has to make their own decisions without the benefit of other’s hindsight? Does this result in the liberation to have innovative ideas and solutions to life’s challenges? Or does it ensure that they make the same mistakes as the last lot?


That trip to Sainsburys for birdseed might have a lot to answer for.

Wednesday, 12 July 2017

Want a better battery?

In the news last week were two 'T's, Trump in denial over the Paris Climate change Agreement, and Tesla, the Elon Musk giant battery project in South Australia.

Trump is pretending that he can honour his election pledge to the coal miners that he will secure their jobs by continuing to produce their expensive and polluting product, whilst knowing full well that they will be put out of business by home grown shale oil and gas companies in the near future.

Tesla gambling on the wind and sun based energy allowing their battery to iron out the supply difficulties of the Australian energy systems and reduce the price per megawatt.

Back in January 2016 I wrote an article about how energy storage could transform our world, both environmentally and politically. Does it still ring true with the latest developments?



Want a better battery?

Of course you do, think recharging your phone once a week, a laptop plugged in every month, a car that could drive from London to Manchester without a two hour wait at Birmingham.
That would explain why companies are investing in ways of upgrading batteries, but why are Governments around the World pouring hundreds of millions of pounds into energy storage research? Don’t we need more energy, not just better ways to hold on to it?
The answer is that a breakthrough in this technology could be more revolutionary for the World than the invention of the computer or television.  And that could be good for some governments, and a disaster for others.
Let’s just identify what we mean by energy storage. Primarily it is any method of collecting electricity, itself generated by any means, and efficiently converting it into a form that can accessed at will sometime in the future. Naturally, the cheaper the cost of production the better, but this is where Renewable fall down as their efficiency is at the mercy of the weather and, for solar, only during daylight.  The cheap and clean potential of Renewables can only be released by developing  storage solutions.

We are all consumers
Taking the consumer market view first. The ability to miniaturise and reduce weight could open the floodgates to new products presently tethered by cords or hampered by heavyweight batteries. Cordless drills that lasted all day on a building site, safety torches that could last two days, communications equipment easily carried in remote places, even a cordless iron to replace that permanently knotted cable. Electric buses that ran all day, even lorries with enough power to move heavy loads and true recoverable energy from ordinary electric cars.  The openings for manufacturers would be on a scale not seen since electricity itself was discovered.
Imagine a television able to run for a week on batteries which took only a couple of hours of sunlight to power up. The market for this throughout Africa alone would be immense, add India, Pakistan and every other place in the World with sunlight but no hope of infrastructure to bring power to a community, and the possibilities are immense. Add other products, computers, cars, X boxes, a myriad of items we take for granted as we plug in to our many 230 volt sockets at home or work. But, you may ask, how are these poor communities going to afford to buy these items? The excess stored power after domestic needs were satisfied would be enough to run businesses, entertainment and, more likely, sink wells to irrigate the land and produce crops where none grew before.
Industry & Governments
 Using even the current inefficient methods of storage there are already municipal schemes in Germany utilising the excess electricity being produced by domestic and commercial solar and wind generators to feed back into the system during high demand periods.  In contrast, in Scotland some wind farms have been paid to turn off their output when demand is low. The situation is inconsistent because current storage methods are still experimental, the efficiency low and the start up costs high.  The major concentration of research is on heavy duty systems that will allow national power distributors to modulate the demand spikes that cost so much in extra generator building.  This is the area which will bring the most immediate returns for governments. In the UK the cost of building new nuclear power stations runs into billions of pounds and with massive questions over safety and the disposal of waste over centuries to come.
With a 5 to10 fold increase in storage efficiency the economics change dramatically. Existing wind and solar farms would be able to work at full capacity feeding the National Grid storage, and both households and businesses would be able to save enough power inhouse to substantially reduce demand from the National Grid. Would we then need those expensive nuclear replacement plants as we fade out the coal fired stations?  Would we need to be reliant on Russian gas imports during the winter?

Green Credentials
The change to clean energy production, even if not for heavy industry, would complement the dramatic fall in pollution caused by new vehicles, as long range electric cars climbed out of their niche market and became mainstream, followed by city buses and local delivery  vans. Although most marked for cities in China and India, here in UK the reduction in cases of respiratory diseases would be a plus for the NHS.  
The Kyoto Protocol in 1992, the Treaty in 1997, the Doha 2nd Commitment in 2012 and the Paris summit last year, all looked at ways of spreading the pain of reducing carbon emissions. Unless the last one is any different each of the previous ones have seen all the gains of the many countries wiped out by the increases in carbon smoked out by the USA and China.  A dramatic change to Renewables on a world wide scale, led by consumer demand and economic self interest has the potential to make such pain sharing unnecessary.
So, we can see that there would be many obvious advantages to increasing ‘battery storage’, in all its diverse forms, from personal entertainment to national cost saving.

The dictatorship of oil
But the explosive effect of such a breakthrough would be in its geo political consequences. Consider the African continent with its huge mineral resources, currently a target of the Chinese industry. To avoid building massive infrastructure to generate power the raw materials are currently shipped to other parts of the world for refining and conversion into manufactured products. If some of that work could be retained around the source of the minerals it would generate opportunities for jobs that would require the advances in educational opportunities in the area.  And the irrigation of land affected by regular devastating droughts would also raise the bar for international emergency relief and open the possibilities to move from a subsistence culture to realising the potential of millions of human beings. Among them could be the doctor, engineer, mathematician, entrepreneur or scientist, who could provide one of those great leaps of thought which characterise our advancement of knowledge. At the very least we could see the elimination of poverty caused by foreseeable natural events.
Then there are those countries for which the discovery of power storage on a grand scale would spell potential economic disaster. The oil rich kingdoms like Saudi Arabia, with a hitherto untouchable feudal regime based on the same Wahhabism that is the bedrock of Isis beliefs. They have invested Sovereign funds in many different industries across the globe knowing that their massive income can buy influence as well as future profits. Breaking the stranglehold of one of the World’s most troublesome areas, the Middle East, would transform the balance of power throughout region. Between them, Saudi, Iran and the United Arab Republics have a ransom 20% of World oil production, together with some of the worst human rights records, and religious conflicts that affect all countries. Draining that power by creating alternative energy sources would see a major political realignment which could encourage change without armed conflict.
Another big loser would be Russia, currently producing about 13% of the World’s oil, but also a major player in supplying gas to former Eastern Bloc countries and able to influence their policies by withdrawing supplies or putting up the price substantially.  Russia’s loss of influence in the region could be of more consequence than the revenue if their ‘customers’ could generate, or buy surplus electricity from other European states. But, there is great danger here of the Russian reaction if Nato is seen to be prowling on their doorstep.
There could also be serious consequences for the economies of smaller countries reliant on oil revenue, such as Nigeria and Venezuela.
There would be a financial downside for the UK, tax revenue from North Sea Oil, defence industry orders scrapped by the Saudi’s  leading to possible unemployment rises.




Conclusion
How much increase in storage capacity  would be needed to enable the changes described? In crude terms, a 5 times increase would mean your mobile would need charging every five days. An electric car averaged 70 to 80 miles on a full charge in 2015, not enough to get from London to Birmingham, with a five fold increase it still wouldn’t quite get you to Edinburgh. A ten fold increase would get you to Berlin, Geneva or Bordeaux.
When might a breakthrough of this magnitude be made? With the finance and breadth of primary research being carried out worldwide, a ten year lead time would not seem out of the question, with another ten to twenty years to develop the technology on a commercial scale.  The World could look a very different place in our children’s lifetime.
But, have the Saudi’s or the major oil companies invested in research into power storage with a view to applying patents that could delay the implementation of any breakthrough’s in the technology?
Whatever the advantages of making the World a cleaner, more energy equal place, there is no claim it would make it any safer from Man’s greed, envy, or thirst for power.

Colin Payn

25 January 2016

Tuesday, 4 July 2017

Should we keep on mugging our friends and family?



How many mugs do you have in your house?

I don’t just mean the ones you use every day but all the others, tucked away in kitchen cupboards or hidden behind other unused ‘stuff’ in a drawer.

I counted mine the other day, (sad), and there were 52! They take up all three shelves of a wall cupboard plus those in the dishwasher and the camping set. Even with the usual flow of visitors through our house we seldom put more than a dozen in the dishwasher each night. That means the mug makers have lumbered us with over four times as many of their products as we need.
How did this happen? Have we been forgetful of our stock situation or have we been profligate with our impulse buys? Or is it friends and family bringing us ‘interesting’ mugs back from far and wide.

In the interests of scientific research, and in an effort to avoid a total collapse of my wall cupboard, I have done a survey on the antecedents of our mug collection. Here are some of the results, I would say ‘interesting’ results, but that is for you to judge.

·         Everyday buy and still in use: 13
·         Bought to fit in a motorhome which has been sold: 8
·         Bought on impulse and still in use:  0
·         Bought on impulse and not in use: 5
·         Photo mugs not used in case photo fades: 2
·         Mugs of club we once belonged to: 2
·         ‘Funny’ mugs bought for us by friends and family: 6
·         ‘Theme’ mugs bought for us by friends and family: 4
·         Mugs so old they will be left as heirlooms: 8
·         Mugs in present motorhome: 4

So why don’t we just throw them away?

Well, you can’t can you? Open the cupboard and there, standing in serried rows, is the story of your life. Each one a memory, love, hate, lust, sorrow, a piece of you so intimate that you cannot wantonly destroy it. Look in your cupboard, wallow in the memories, that’s why you don’t throw them in the rubbish.


But, sometimes one slips from my grasp and, suddenly, I don’t mourn that memory passing. I curse and pick up the big bits, vacuum up the rest – and thank my lucky stars I still have 51 left.

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Is a weed just an out of favour flower?

Many years ago, in the shared garden of a tenement house, there laboured three keen gardeners. My Grandmother, my Dad and my Mum.

My Grandmother had a room on the third floor and we lived in the basement. In between, the tenants had rights to half the garden, which was exercised by coming downstairs and through our kitchen, whenever they felt like it.

The garden was fiercely defined by big stones, wire mesh and shrubs. We grew a harvest of flowers plus strawberries, giant greengages and soft, sweet loganberries. They grew half hearted flowers and weeds.

When I was about twelve it was judged that I could have a small patch of my own, about six feet by three.  It was right next to the conker tree that was the envy of my friends, being variously the mast of a pirate ship, a plane bumping through the skies, a castle turret, a lighthouse and a place where I could read in peace as no one else could climb as high in the swaying branches.  It also threw my patch into complete shadow all day.

Nevertheless, some hardy plants had survived and my parents encouraged me to consider the possibilities from a large book of thousands of unpronounceable Latin names.

After about a month of inactivity it became obvious that, ‘Still thinking about it’, was being received with a degree of non-comprehension, bordering on frustration that such a golden opportunity to revive the fecundity of my little patch should be missed as the growing season progressed.

I made my decision, and returned from school, rolled up my metaphorical and real sleeves and set to with spade, fork and rake.  There were some veiled comments about not exchanging my not so metaphorical school trousers, but on the whole an appreciation of the hard work that had turned an unloved patch into an almost flat, and empty, rectangle of muddy soil.  Many questions were rebuffed and theories dismissed. A breathing space had been secured.

Several weeks passed, and the weeds began to poke through the newly turned soil. Questions hovered on parental lips, unspoken yet hanging like un-pricked speech bubbles.  Some careful digging and mound rebuilding in the corner led to intense speculation. A rockery, a herb garden perhaps. But why had the weeds been left?

The following Saturday was fine. Dad was working, Mum was shopping, Nan was snoozing.  After an hour of intense work on the garden it was finished.

The metal battlements of the castle were dug in around the mound, with an inner keep, moat, drawbridge, cannon and knights, (history followed the availability of toys).  On the plains below were tee-pee’s, cowboys, Indians, horses and assorted weaponry. To the right lay the airport with runways of dried mud, carefully smoothed with the back of a comb. In front were the roads, being flattened by a Dinky steam roller, and flowing with vehicles of many vintages and sizes.

All this life, separated, protected, made real by the gorgeous greenery of trees, hedges and fields thanks to the generosity of the weeds.



Saturday, 10 June 2017

Citronella candles - do they work?




I'll declare an interest to start. They don't work as well as mosquito coils, that's those compressed wood, smouldering green swirls that give off a thick smoke designed to envelope the lucky person and deter any kami kazi biting insects. I have seen these work against the mozzies of Southern France and the midges of Scotland, so a better test you could not find.

Unfortunately, the side effects are dire, creating coughing fits and watering eyes in all but the hardiest forty-a-day smoker. In most instances this leads to all others evacuating the area covered, to a clean air zone, only to find clouds of frustrated insects have massed, waiting for their nightly feast of human blood.

Like all legislation, the anti smoking laws had unintended consequences. The massive reduction in the smoking population has left travellers vulnerable to the attack of millions of 1cm whistling doodle bugs. I have yet to read of any experiments with electric cigarettes that suggests their great plumes of water vapour have the same deterrent effect that tobacco had on the midge. And there lay the original dilemma; smoke a lot and ruin your lungs, but be midge free, or rely on choking mosquito coils?

Which is where citronella candles were supposed to be the big new saviour for human kind. Now you see them in every guise, thick candles, thin candles, candles in cups, candles in tins, candles to hang up and candles in the top of tall bamboo poles to stick in the ground.

Currently we have a 'Two Ronnies' arrangement, (see picture and try to keep up), on a campsite in South West France. The verdict?

Inconclusive. There are no mosquitos over the table but one just whined past my ear.

Feel free to add your experiences.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

Is it worth having a home phone anymore?

Image result for picture sitting on fence
Am I being old fashioned in having both a landline phone and a mobile?

A number of friends are quite content with just a mobile and I can see the attraction each month, as my phone usage is a fraction of the allowance on each phone. There is no carry over, so I am paying afresh each month for two services that I could otherwise take six months to exhaust.

But, my home phone is linked to my internet line so I need that to use a computer with a decent sized screen and keyboard, not the tiny picture and finger torturing pop up of a mobile. I read that you can now get internet only deals without a monthly line rental. True, but they cost more than the dual deal in most cases. How so? Don't ask me. I assume the companies want to keep their turnover up so build the line rental into the deal rather than showing it separately.

Not that the decision is going to be only down to money. The home phone is a guaranteed signal quality which is more suitable for the hard of hearing and can have bigger buttons for the visually impaired. There are the more difficult to quantify advantages of that big, clunky handset, with it's tactile handling nestling on the erotic zones around the ear. And those big finger poke-able buttons that click satisfyingly like staccato music notes.

The mobile has its ergonomic, slithery sleek styling, of course, making it the cigarette substitute of hand plaything in public. Which is part of it's addictive attraction, to be constantly displayed, thumbed into action and watched with feigned concentration as though a friends breakfast or their cat's antics could be life changing events. In competition, the home phone becomes a mundane artifact, to be used only when necessary, the pedestrian great aunt to the world travelling youngster.

 An essential safety tool when the torch is deployed or a photo is needed. A useless piece of plastic when the battery expires.

So, there you have it. Another dilemma needing you opinion. Do I go all mobile or stick with the two phone option?                                                                        

Monday, 29 May 2017

Give feet a chance

Give Feet a chance?
Or do I need a new pair?



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I bought some new shoes recently and this got me thinking about feet.

Now, I know lots of you will have pedometers, either stand alone, (keep up) or built into your mobile. Seemingly everybody is after the holy grail of 10,000 steps a day, that’s 10,000 times your foot crashes down, jarring the heel, the bones and muscles travelling up your legs. Probably in shoes designed to look good moving between desk and coffee machine.

Then there are the joggers among us, with better running shoes but pounding away on those poor feet, which are suffering even higher impacts. Footballers, rugby players, tennis buffs and fast bowlers, all putting long term stress on joints designed to avoid danger by running to safety, not three hour marathons.

I have heard the arguments that a regular level of activity is good for the heart, lungs and other internal bits and pieces. The problem is that my, far from scientific, observations are that there are distinct times in the urban human life cycle when our feet are tested and times when ‘normal’ use happens. As kids we run, jump and unselfconsciously enjoy our bodies. In teenage years we put away childish exuberance, become cerebral, inward looking, spotty, screen fixated, downright hormonally unsociable. Our still growing feet are in ill fitting trainers in constant danger of tripping over the fashionably untied laces.

A change occurs as the frightening and exciting world of discovering there is another sex leads to a more sporty lifestyle, feet are back in action. Local football muddy slides, university prestige, celebrity status gets the admiration, the mating ritual of the human being. Early morning runs continue after moving in together before hitting the brick wall of domesticity and career prospects. Children, the end of ‘me’ time and men’s feet get a rest, the bones get a bit set and the muscles slack.

Years flash by and the mid life crisis, “Am I still attractive to the opposite sex?” What works for you? A sexier car, a bigger bust, new clothes, visits to the local music scene. Or back to the jogging, the latest gear, trainers that cost the earth, clothing that wicks away that on-show sweat, a hand shaped drinking bottle, the latest ‘must have’ fitness watch. But those poor feet, neglected for years but now encased in the most ergonomically beautifully sport logo on Earth, crashing down every second, loaded with thirteen stone of unfit body.

But, it rains sometimes and it can be boringly cold at others, so let’s sign up for the gym, nice bodies, coffee bar, friendly muscled people to take the money by the hour. And the feet can take a rest from the running machine as there are so many other bits that need ‘toning’. Then there is something good on television, a meal out with friends, the kid’s school concert. The gym lasts less than the year’s pre paid subscription, and feet are relieved, only the nightly dog walk remains into older age.

Which brings me back to my new shoes. My feet have shrunk. Either that or shoe sizes have changed, I used to fit an eight now it is a seven. I have played fair with my feet, no jogging, no sports, (except swimming), no gym, just the dog walking. I tried the counting steps for a week just to see how many I did without trying, it averaged about 6,000 a day.  So why have my feet shrunk? Would they have stayed the same size if I had done all those sporty things?

Should I approach Amazon for free delivery on a new pair?




Friday, 19 May 2017

Thinking it through

This week's local paper contains a gem of a letter. An ardent Brexit fan had taken exception to the President of the European Union asserting that English was becoming less important in the EU, and delivering his speech in French.

The outrage of the correspondent would have been enough for most people,but he then went on to bypass reality by suggesting that a poor deal for the UK should lead to the UK imposing a ban on all Europeans speaking English.

Hold on. Let's try that again. Unless we get a good deal from Europe when we leave, the U.K. should ban the total population of the 27 EU countries from speaking English.

So, it could go something like this?

A sunlit cafe on the Boulevard St Michel, Paris. Two very obvious British tourists sit looking glumly at their cooling cups, wondering how the cups of tea they wanted had morphed into this glass of colourless liquid with a piece of lemon floating in it.

Each clutched a mobile phone, with their fingers hovering over the 'record' button.

"Why didn't they send me to Spain? "asked the lanky one. "I've been there. When I ask for a cup of tea I get a cup of tea, they understand English."

"I know, Stan. It's OK for them to understand, but it's our job to stop them speaking it." The rotund policeman from Suffolk was not at home in any city and Paris terrified him.

Meanwhile, across Europe similar scenes were being played out by some 15,000 UK police officers. Crime soared in the UK, whilst the Daily Mail demanded that EU nationals arriving in the UK be tested on their fluency in their native language before being allowed in.

"Et vous, le weekend?"

"Did you hear that, Oliver? 'Weekend' she said, as clear as day. That good looking blond, over there." He nodded his head towards a table near the pavement.

The woman's companion was replying, the word 'weekend' clearly heard by the appalled policemen.

"Do you think it's enough for us to take action, Stan?"

"Not sure, better phone Inspector Barrage for advice."

As Stan felt for his security phone he notice two blue dots on his jacket. He attempted to brush them off, but they appeared on the back of his hand.

"Attention gentlemen. This is the Police. Put your hands on the table. Slowly."

As they obeyed, four very large black-uniformed men with balaclavas and huge guns appeared, handcuffed them and led them away.

"You can't do this, we're English Language Protection Officers."

The man looked up from his desk. "I know. We have been listening to you since the patron at the cafe told us about you acting suspiciously. Apart from the fact that your UK Acts of Parliament have no legality in the EU, your choice, remember? Let me ask you this.  If my officers had asked you in French to put your hands on the table, would you have understood and obeyed?  No? Well then, my officers would have shot you. Good job some of us speak English, huh?"

In the next year over 13,000 UK police officers were deported from EU countries for extremism. The other two thousand were either in jail or had claimed asylum.

This has been false news, (Ooops, almost said Fox News), based on a real event.

Monday, 15 May 2017

Will the next generation write?

Will the next generation need to bother to write? 

This is a serious question. With the major advances in speech to text recognition it has to be asked whether anyone will need to actually put pen to paper or fingers to word processor in the future. That's not to say that we shouldn't have to read, reading is entirely different from the writing process, on the other hand does the one depend on the other? 

  It's not as though this is a brand new idea. Dictation to a secretary was, for many years, much faster for business communication than writing something out by hand and passing it to the typing pool, does anyone remember typing pools? But it wasn't only business, Winston Churchill dictated his speeches, many of the aristocratic writers had secretaries who they dictated to directly, although few  managed the kilograms of book weight each year of Barbara Cartland. 

So who does write these days? Or, to put it another way, who is likely to continue writing in the next 20 years if speech recognition software gets that much better? For writers the first draft is probably scrappy anyway so speaking it and making some minor alterations on the way is probably going to be just about as perfect as would be done by typing it, but without the hassle. It could even be true that the first draft is better if it is spoken, because we are always advised to read our work out loud to see where it doesn't work properly. Like what that didn't. 

There are dangers of course. Predictive text can be a curse to a writer. Consider Shakespeare's famous line " out damned spot". Would he have allowed "clear up this despicable Mark"? Or, the three witches," fire burns out the Hubble". On the other hand, predictive text might inject more sense into some of President Trump's tweets. 

But let's look forward to the new generation of school children. Already they have exams where all they have to do is tick one of four boxes to answer. Why bother with written tests? Surely it would be easier to let them dictate an answer, and will probably improve their ability to speak English that other people can understand. So imagine a classroom where the teacher says "please hurry up and speak" rather than "be quiet". 

But, whoever does the writing they will always have to edit it afterwards, so I suppose it's a bit like maths, if you don't have any idea of what should come out of a calculator it's a waste of time having a calculator. In either case a dot in the wrong place can change the whole meaning. 

We are not there with voice recognition. I wrote this using a free programme, and had to revise nearly every sentence.

Which side of my fence do you fall on?

Saturday, 13 May 2017

Down with water

I remember being told that water runs down a plughole clockwise in the Northern Hemisphere and anti clockwise in the Southern Hemisphere. But recently I read that this was a load of twaddle, poppycock and probably, misspoken. This despite the fact that I have seen a video on YouTube where a man living astride the Equator, demonstrated to tourists that moving a bowl with a plughole from one side to the other changed the direction of the water flow.

Now, I believe in science, mostly, (don't get me started on which are 'good' or 'bad' foods this month), so if science says it doesn't happen then I should believe that the tourists are pouring money down the drain, whichever way it flows.

But, it's such a good story that I want to believe it is true, and much more pleasant than having swallowed thousands of baby spiders every year, which I am happy for the scientists to disprove.So, despite my best efforts, I'm still stuck on the fence on this one.